Learning To Be More Of You

By: Jennifer Maneely

I recently started embarking on this journey of finding that creative outlet that motivates and inspires me to work on this thing called Mastery. I make jokes with people all the time about how I am a jack of all trades but a master of none. I can do a little bit of everything, but I master none of it.

Here is the thing I am acutely aware of, I have all this talent welling up inside of me and I don’t know where the outlet is.

This idea has gotten me thinking more about the things I wish I could do, or the person I wish I could be. I have found myself circling AROUND the person I wish I could be. I try to take characteristics of other people I admire and wish I could be more like and attempt to live like them.  And it fails miserably because these characteristics are not the things I’m good at. Do you ever do that? Look at someone with envy and wish you could do that too? Then try to be like them, only to realize you are nothing like them and it looks awful on you.

My biggest envy are those people who seem to be incredibly empowered and handle conflict so eloquently and grounded. They say things in the heat of the moment that are so powerful and well-said that makes me want to stand up and cheer right there. They ask all the right questions and when continued to get backed into a corner, they get themselves out so gracefully and walk out of the room with a little mic dropping action.

That is not at all how me handling conflict looks like and when backed into a corner, there is no mic dropping. It looks a lot like a confused chicken with the head cut off running around in circles. And the more I try to be like the person I wish I could be instead of more like me, the uglier it gets.

I had this friend that made me think of myself differently. She was such an oddball and really could care less what anyone else thought of her. She would say things just to make people uncomfortable and watch their awkwardness. She would dance in the middle of the street, and pushed people out of their shells or sent people running for the hills. Initially, I thought I wanted to be more like her, free and stuff.

But then I had this realization, there was no way I could ever be more like her. She was so far away from the person I want to be, which got me thinking about this idea of maybe I don’t want to be more like her. But I do want to be more of myself. My true self. Not the parts that are covered up with insecurity and jealousy. Not the parts where I hold myself back because I’m afraid to show anyone my true self for fear of judgment. And not the parts where I feel like I am not good enough so I don’t even try.

When it comes to finding my creative outlet, what I have to remember is that someone else’s creative outlet will not work for me. I can’t be like anyone else. That is their outlet. That is their ways. The only way I am going to find what I need is to continue to uncover who Jen is and uncover what Jen can do.

​I started this book called “Core Transformation” by Connirae and Tamara Andreas. This book was given as a suggestion to help uncover who Jen is and clear out some of those voices that get in the way.

To be clear, I am very stubborn and resented picking up this book because even though I know I need help, I resist it. I resist it just for the sake of resisting it. I resist it because I am different and it won’t help me. Nothing can help me. No one can help me. I am hopeless. Ok Ok enough dramatics Jen.

I was supposed to start reading this book  a week ago. But in my usual stubborn-self ways, I said F***It and F***you I ain’t doing it. I hired a personal coach by the way, to help me with this stuff and this is her assignment. I knew I couldn’t do this self-awareness crap by myself and yet I resist the people that are trying to help me. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT???
But I knew I needed to get on my assignment because I am supposed to be letting her know I am working on this stuff and what I’m doing. I haven’t done S**t since she gave it to me.
When I was finally able to step out of my own stubbornness and pick the stupid book up, first chapter was like singing hallelujah to me.

I’ll sum it up. When someone tells you about a good restaurant and suggests you go eat there but you don’t know where it is, you get directions to the restaurant.

Many  people and self-awareness guides may take you through the process of trying to figure out why you are a bad cook and maybe you should visualize the restaurant and discover why you want to go to the restaurant in the first place. Before you go to the restaurant maybe you should spend months pondering and visualizing the restaurant and see what made you a bad cook.

OMG Shut the front door. My whole life I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m a bad cook and not getting directions to the restaurant.

I haven’t gotten to the directions part of the book.  Just knowing I’m going to get directions to getting out of my own way, and maybe someday I might not even be a stubborn resistor to the people I AM ASKING TO GET HELP FROM has given me a new sense of freedom and hope that I can uncover my creative outlet and be more like me.

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