A few weeks ago, I began a blog on “depressure = depression. What started as a simple observation turned into a series. So many avenues offered insights worth exploring. Then I got stuck. Or maybe I just had to do some field research. After the second in the series, I found myself in a space with “no pressure”.
As a result, I had a little mini-depression in the middle of summer.
I still treat summer like an 8 year old. Even though I’m in my 60’s (and how the hell did THAT happen?), I welcome June, July and August as the three months I work a lot less and play a lot more. So it’s not unusual for me to avoid work in favor of skiing, hiking, sculling and more in the summer. But this time was different. I had just finished several projects and starting anything else was up to me. The main project I was going to start was getting my book Dancing the Tightrope published on the Audible platform. Doing so wasn’t really interfering with my play time. Nonetheless, I could NOT find the energy to get it going. And because that project felt blocked, everything else felt blocked as well. It was difficult to get moving to do anything.
I’m not familiar with this space. Typically, I’m the one with boundless energy.
During this time, someone would call and ask what I was up to. More than once I said “I’m actively avoiding working on my Audible book.”
For a while there, I was concerned something was wrong with me. “Where was the energy and focus I needed to get on this project?” I thought to myself more than once. The ONLY thing that caused me to take the most important step in the project was the fact that I had promised to get the audio book out by the end of August. I said it out loud, which meant it would get done. Period.
But that promise only made the inertia I was experiencing worse. Now I was feeling really bad about breaking my promise, because every time I sat down to do the work, I lasted for no more than 10 minutes. I was SO stuck.
The problem with being stuck is that it’s almost impossible to see why you’re stuck from the place of being stuck. It’s much easier to see the problem from the cheap seats. Even that awareness – the need to get on the balcony and see the big picture – can be hard to do when every move feels like moving through molasses.
Somehow though, I did find the space to check in from the balcony. That’s when I realized that I was operating from a core assumption about the project. The assumption was like glue, holding me stuck in place.
The assumption? I should be able to edit the word stumbles, microphone problems and other issues in the audio and then do the engineering to make the audio comply with ACX standards (which is a mysterious thing I don’t understand but is required to publish on the Audible platform.)
Every time I sat down to do the work – or should I say try to do the work – I struggled. Just figuring out how to load the file took me more than an hour. Then how do I cut out the part that doesn’t work and slide in a rerecorded sentence? I was working with unfamiliar software doing unfamiliar work. I kept thinking to myself “I should be able to do this.” “I should learn this – it’s a handy skill to have.”
I was shoulding on myself. So many shoulds.
After one particularly difficult session, after which all my work was lost, I asked myself a different question. How can I get help?
It was like a gateway to common sense opened up. With this question in mind, I remembered that for the print version of Dancing the Tightrope, I hired an editor, a proofreader and a book formatter. What made me think I couldn’t do the same for the audio book? The floodgates of ideas opened. One key recognition that fueled me was my belief that leadership IS asking for help. I gave myself a break, remembering that I don’t have to do it all.
After a false start on one platform, I went to Upwork, where I had connected with Tabitha Rae Babcock, the woman who beautifully formatted the print version of Dancing the Tightrope. I posted my job, including my specific request that the editor would need to listen to the whole recording and tell me where there were stumbles and awkward moments.
Within 24 hours, I had 50 people offering to help. I was able to quickly narrow this list down to a handful, and with a few messages back and forth, I hired Efim Radchenko. He quickly set up a platform for us to share files and make comments. Chapter by chapter, he sent me a list of retakes, and chapter by chapter, I sent back the new files. Over the course of 3-4 weeks, we went back and forth, refining the audio files.
There were still some things I wasn’t prepared to do. It took a lot for me to listen through the whole book AGAIN for a final quality check. Since I don’t listen to audio books, I didn’t know I needed to create “Opening Credits” and “Closing Credits”. I almost forgot to read the Acknowledgments. Not to worry – with the help of Efim, we got it all done, and I’m pretty happy with the final product.
As you might have guessed, the Audible version of my book Dancing the Tightrope is coming out later this month. You may have already listened to the abridged version I posted on the podcast in the Spring. This version is the whole book in one place, and it includes several bonuses. Several of the people I quoted in the book make an appearance, and hearing their respective voices adds texture and resonance in a way that the written word can never do.
While I was revisiting the stories from the book three years later, I realized that I wrote this book while I was on a very steep learning curve, especially about pressure. Many of my insights have deepened in the ensuing years. The insights I gained were what I drew on to get the Audible book published. (Capturing how I walked myself through this type of pressure is a whole different blog.)
Getting through this little “depression” helped me build my mental fitness.
There was a time where I would have come out of a project like this saying “never again!” Avoidance is a great strategy for keeping things the same, and a proving mindset would just as soon stay away from any kind of pressure that creates the uncomfortable sensations of agitation.
I’m reminded once again of something I will probably forget before this gets published: the mindset from which I approach pressure and agitation determines whether I’m crushed or whether I grow. This whole experience made me think about how much our mindset shapes outcomes — which brought to mind one of my favorite studies on perception and performance.
There’s science behind power of perception. See the abstract below for a study conducted by Alia J. Crum and Ellen J Langer
In a study testing whether the relationship between exercise and health is moderated by one's mind-set, 84 female room attendants working in seven different hotels were measured on physiological health variables affected by exercise. Those in the informed condition were told that the work they do (cleaning hotel rooms) is good exercise and satisfies the Surgeon General's recommendations for an active lifestyle. Examples of how their work was exercise were provided. Subjects in the control group were not given this information. Although actual behavior did not change, 4 weeks after the intervention, the informed group perceived themselves to be getting significantly more exercise than before. As a result, compared with the control group, they showed a decrease in weight, blood pressure, body fat, waist-to-hip ratio, and body mass index. These results support the hypothesis that exercise affects health in part or in whole via the placebo effect.
This study frankly blows me away. When I’ve described it to others, they say I’m full of it. Maybe – but what if my mindset about mindset is what really matters? How much power does that give me? I’m reminded of a horseback ride I took in the rain in June with Stevie Delahunt (the latest guest on my podcast.) It was one of my most favorite rides ever because I didn’t wish away the rain. I just put on a raincoat.
One of the core insights of Dancing the Tightrope was this: It’s not the pressure, it’s the STORY I tell myself about the pressure that decides how I act.
Changing the story, or perception, is like putting on a raincoat in the rain. It can change the whole experience.
So back to the beginning of this series, where I pointed out several assumptions worth testing:
- Pressure is bad
- Discomfort (agitation) is bad
- Survival mode (fight, flight or freeze) renders you ineffective
- You either have mental fitness or you don’t
- There is a right answer to get in balance
Every one of these assumptions can be challenged. It’s the questions that matter more than the answers.
As I close the series on “de-pressure = depression”, this recent experience with my book as opened me to new questions. Is de-pressure another form of pressure? Was I under or overreacting to the pressure of the commitment I made to turn my random podcast files into a full audio book? In what ways does understanding the nuances of pressure help one respond to it more effectively? How important was the pressure of having made a commitment to me getting the audio book completed? In what ways can I stress test my assumptions more quickly?
None of these are questions that must be answered. It’s in the asking of the question that movement is generated, much like I asked myself “how can I get help?”
What is your take on pressure? Where have you caught yourself changing the story, which changed your experience? What are your practices to build your mental fitness?