Clearing the Deck: A Intentional Approach to Holiday Commitments

It also seems to be a weird time of year for work. Why are the most complex projects always started (or amped up) during the last two months of the year? Deadlines in the midst of all the days off just makes everything seem that much more intense.

We won’t even talk about the relationship dynamics that escalate when families and friends are brought together.

The pressure created by the holidays is real, and it’s not going away. So how can we make it through with our sanity and waistline intact?

Last week, one of my fellow coaches and I gathered a new coaching group together to prepare for the start of the group sessions in the new year. In that session, we offered some guidance for building mental tools – so that we react just right, not over and not under -  during the holidays. When I was thinking about what to write this week, I realized that our guidance might be helpful to the readers of The Coaching Digest as well.

We had three suggestions, which are listed below. The third suggestion is followed by an exercise called Clearing the Deck which is designed to give you clarity on all the ways you can say “yes” to things and then sort out which most to you. The other two are self-explanatory on the surface and if you would like more details, there’s a whole book about each, both of which are available to read for free on Amazon Kindle Unlimited.

1. Reframe the Pressure: Consider the pressure as happening for you rather than to you. When you approach something with fear and dread, you will get more of that. When you approach something as beneficial, it changes how you experience it. See my Favorite of the Week before for the neuroscience behind this premise. For more, you can read my book Dancing the Tightrope, What Falling Off a Horse Taught Me About Embracing Pressure, Fear and Uncertainty.
2. Assume Positive Intent. Whether shopping, or hosting, or making a presentation, you’ll have plenty of opportunities. Notice when you assume positive intent, it expands the repertoire of responses you have access to. For more, you can read my book The Elegant Pivot, An Inspired Move for Navigating Corporate Politics.
3. Clear the Deck: Pay attention to what you say “yes” to so that you can get clarity on what you can easily say “no” to. This exercise is drawn from my book The Delicate Art, Learn to Say No and Unleash Your Performance.

I gained a whole new level of understanding about the value of “clearing the deck” after Hurricane Helene took everything off my calendar for several weeks. It’s made me consider everything I say yes to in a more intentional way. I’ll have more to say about this as time goes on; for now, I will say that I’ve become much more aware of my assumption about the expectations from others. Often, the pressure that I attribute to others is created by me!

How can you approach the season with an open heart? Where can you practice assuming positive intent? Where have you said “yes” to do things that may not need to be done?

Clearing the Deck
A guilt free exercise to say no to things that don’t matter anyway

1. List everything you are committed to do over the next month.
2. Now code the list like this:

1. B – B stands for broom. These are the things that people expect you to do without you having explicitly agreed. You have been swept up by their expectations.
2. S – the shoulds. These are the things you have half-heartedly agreed to do because you should, by virtue of your role or out of some form of obligation.
3. Y = a clear yes. These are the items that you want and need to do in order to move your objectives forward. Either a “job yes” or a “hell yes” – see the descriptions below.

3. Review your list and ask yourself these questions:
   1. Which of these things can I easily take off my plate? (For these, take them off!)
   2. Which of these things would I take off my plate if I could find a way to so without causing damage to things that matter to me? (For these, give yourself some time to strategically think through how to get them off your plate. Get support from a coach or advisor if needed.)
4. What kind of clarity do you now have about what you will say yes to in the next week? Month? Year?

Below is an excerpt from The Delicate Art: Learn to Say “No” and Unleash Your Performance, available to read for free on Kindle Unlimited.

Understand the different kinds of yes

We all get caught up in saying yes to things we wish we hadn’t. Some of the more unpleasant things we need to say yes to in our lives are also just a part of living in community. When you are able to see the different ways you can say yes, it helps clarify where you can say no.

The Broom Yes

More than once, I’ve been swept up in the excitement of the moment and found myself caught by a “Broom Yes.” (So named because we get swept up in something that would be hard to get out of once we are in the dustpan.)

This is actually quite a difficult type of “yes” to deal with, because it’s fraught with implicit promises, unspoken expectations, and our personal need to be liked. We are also schooled—literally—to do what we are told, so we get into the habit of going along with the Broom Yeses in our lives.

Think back to your early days—I certainly would have preferred baseball to dodgeball, but on my fifth grade playground, you either played or stayed inside to do homework.
A Broom Yes is one of the most reflexive acts on the planet. Here’s an example of one that’s almost impossible to resist. You are walking down the street and someone is handing out flyers. Watch, and you will see almost everybody grab one. Then they have second thoughts, and most of the time those flyers go into the next trash can. If you have been able to resist, you are already well on your way to understanding how not to get swept up in a Broom Yes.

In order to stay out of the dustpan, it’s useful to understand how the Broom Yes works. At its core, it relies on implicit promises to get you moving with the crowd that’s headed for the dustpan. It can seem safer to say nothing, go along, and then do nothing. However, all too often you will find yourself on the hook or guilt ridden enough to carry out the promise you never made.

Broom Yeses range from the social group seeking volunteers to pick up trash to having a boss assume you are going to do an important task. While the stakes may be wildly different, the method for making the decision to steer clear or deliver a real yes is strikingly similar.

It’s best to have a ready answer for these moments when someone is gathering you into their web of expectations. A simple “No, I won’t be able to do that,” is all that is needed. No explanation, no guilt.

You are going to have these coming at you all the time; they may be the most common type of yes. The Invisible Tools for keeping yourself from being swept up are courage and discipline.

The Shouldy Yes

We often say yes to things we don’t want to do because we think we should. These are the things we do out of some sort of obligation, and they represent a huge energy drain if we are not aware of their cost.

I’m not saying that you should NOT do things out of obligation. Everyone has things in their lives they must do, from changing dirty diapers, to attending boring meetings, to dealing with aging parents. The list is endless. However, we often are not aware of their cost.

The best way I’ve found to deal with the “Shouldy Yeses” in my life is to eliminate those I don’t really need to do and bring the true obligations under a bigger umbrella of meaning and caring. It helps minimize resentment and keeps my energy from draining.

The Job Yes

In every job, there are things we have to do that we just . . . have to do. This is the epitome of the saying “It’s my job,” and frankly, it’s usually a large percentage of your work life. For these “Job Yeses,” the story you tell about it makes an enormous difference in how you experience it.

When I worked in banking, transitioning from being an individual contributor to a leader of a team didn’t happen overnight or come about naturally. In my former job, my responsibilities involved burying my head in the computer and spreadsheets. In my new role, the job involved having many more conversations, an activity I used to think of as a distraction.

When I reframed conversations as a part of my job, it completely changed my experience when someone would knock on my door and ask, “Do you have a minute?” It’s a great example of a Job Yes. The conversations that ensued were often uncomfortable and yet they were necessary.

One of the most difficult Job Yeses is dealing with decisions you did not make, and do not agree with. When I was a lender in the bank, the loans I proposed would often not get approved. That’s just a reality in the business, and a message I hated delivering to the client who needed that loan.

Early on, I learned that a very immature way of delivering that message was this: “I would have given you the loan, but ‘they’ won’t let me.” Instead, I had to learn to own that decision as if I had made it myself.

This type of reconciliation is a part of your Job Yes. It’s a gray area, because too much agreement and too much disagreement can both be problems. Sometimes you will work in a place where you simply can’t stand the decisions your company is making. Eventually you will likely decide you are in the wrong job. On the other hand, if you are in a role where you never disagree with your company’s decisions, you might need to look at whether you are really bringing your best thinking to the table.

Your Job Yeses and the “nos” that go with them provide fertile ground for working the stories you tell yourself about yourself—i.e., your self-talk.

Your Invisible Tool for the Job Yes is to take the pressure in stride and with curiosity. Rather than think you are making a mistake when you don’t feel right about something at work, a much better approach is to get curious, listen, hear what’s happening, and solve the problem in front of you.

The Hell Yes

This kind of yes is self-explanatory. Anyone who has experienced it knows what I mean. Someone asks you to work on a project, be part of an event, or do something else that hits that sweet spot in the middle of your spirit. You are saying yes before they finish the sentence.

These are the kinds of projects that make you want to clear your calendar.

I hope you get as many of them as possible in your life.